When life lost its meaning
It was a happy morning…Christmas morning. I was all
freshened up and joyful and made a call to my Mom. She picked up the call and
said they are heading to the hospital. My heart shrunk hearing those words. She
continued saying the CT scan report of my father showed numerous blood clots
which is pressurizing his brain and so he had to be operated as soon as
possible. She also mentioned only if his sugar level and platelet count are
normal this procedure could be done early. I kept the phone and felt so helpless.
I started praying… the only thing I could do being so far from them. Although I
didn’t eat anything since morning that day, I didn’t feel a pinch of hunger
until evening when my mom said the reports are fine and he can be operated the
next day. Next day he was operated and my mom and my brother said he is all
healthy now. He is talking to all the guests who came to see him. After being
shifted from the ICU the next day I could hear him laughing and talking to
people whenever I called them. I was happy. He is back to being my strong dad
who never falls sick. Who never rested. Who was all the time so energetic and
who was always there for me.
They were in the hospital for a week and everything was
normal. After returning from hospital whenever I called home I didn’t hear his
laughs and mom said he didn’t talk much. He would reply if asked something and
he was getting confused with some little things like his signature and stuffs.
We thought since it’s a neurosurgery it takes time to heal and was hoping he
would be fine in few days. But things were getting worse he was sleeping all
the time, he couldn’t hold the phone. People said since it was a big surgery
the body needs rest and so he falls asleep. But again few days later his
reports showed low albumin content and was admitted in hospital. I thought
that’s fine they’ll give him albumin and he shall be fine again.
It was Sunday and I
had to go to college for approving a research topic and so couldn’t call mom
early morning. I came back from college around 12pm and when I called she was
driving and said dad is serious since morning and they have to shift him to
another hospital. Damn I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t call them so
frequently. The only thing I was doing is getting tensed and praying. Evening
mom said they shifted to another hospital and he in ICU now. I asked if I
should come back for a few days. Mom said yes. But my parents always taught me
to go by the rules and never break them. She asked me to inform my teachers in
the morning and come back on Tuesday. On Tuesday morning dad was little better
and they shifted him from ICU to room.
I went directly to the hospital to see him smile the moment
I entered the room and he raised his hands asking me to come near. I went near
him and that’s the smile I shall never forget. I asked him did you miss me and he
said yes. I asked how many times in a day and he replied 10 times. Even when he
was sick, he knew how to keep me happy. Next day he didn’t talk..only replied
to what we asked. The next day the condition was more bad. The doctors had put
a pipe from his nose to the stomach. He slept for almost 10 hours and no matter
how much anyone woke him he didn’t wake. My scared mom asked me quietly, did he
go to coma? I confidently said no he is just drowsy. The next day he was little
better again. We had our hopes built again. Even the pipe was removed. But the
doctor said he should be shifted to ICU again so that he can get better care.
That night when my brother went to see him he scolded him for being so late to
visit him. But to me he didn’t talk much.
Next day morning when
I went to see him he was talking so well. We talked about everything. We both
were so happy. The guard came to call me out so many time but neither my dad
left my hand nor did I listen to the guard. But I had to come out and little
did I know it was the last time he was talking. From the next day his condition
was getting worse. And we could do nothing. Mom couldn’t see him in that
condition and would ask me to go. I would go and couldn’t stop crying there. I
would come out, wipe my tears and go to the room to tell mom he is sleeping and
in is in same condition.
But I went back only for a week and had to return to college
to attend a unavoidable workshop. I went to see him before the flight but was
not allowed as it was early morning. I came back and the whole journey back I
couldn’t stop thinking about him. I got freshened up and started praying. Next
day I went to workshop and afternoon when I called mom she said dad is little
better and is just sleeping. Her voice seemed happy. I was happy too. I came
back from college and prayed for hours. I thought he will be fine now.
At 10pm after dinner
I called my mom and she did not receive later she called me and her voice was
shaken only thing she said was dad is not well at all. She kept the phone. I
did not know what to do. I left a message to my brother asking him to call me
when my mom is not near. He called me after an hour and so. He said dad is not
well. I asked should I come back? He said can you? That can you made me feel
something was so wrong. Otherwise they would never ask me to come without
attending the workshop. But the morning tickets were all booked and I got the
night tickets. I went to college in the morning. I bet that was the hardest day
of my life. Neither was I in college nor at home. I was just praying in my
mind. I was sending details of doctors to my brother and he would not reply
after seeing them. I couldn’t talk to my mom as my brother asked me not to.
Every moment was so hard. I came back and packed. I had called my brother on my
way back to hostel and he said he had come home to get something. Later after
packing when I called him again my aunt received. I asked where is mom and she
replied home. I knew what had happened because both mom and brother wont come
home leaving dad in hospital. My innocent aunt didn’t know how to lie. But as
my brain was saying all bad things that had happened the heart was still saying
no since dad is little serious they had to come to get something and I shunned
my brain. The whole ride to the airport I did not know how to act. I was scared
but couldn’t cry in front of people. The flight was delayed by an hour and
while I was waiting I got a message from a friend saying she got the news and
is so sorry. I knew what it meant but I shunned my brain again. I was just
praying that everything will be fine. I had 4 hours waiting between the two
flights and every moment was getting harder.
I reached and my brother called to say uncle has come to pick
me up from the airport. I knew why he didn’t come but I shunned it again. The
moment I sat in the car he called me again saying dad died that day night
itself and they didn’t tell me as they didn’t want me to break down while
coming back. And I softly started crying sitting in the back seat. The prayers
stopped which I was continuously saying since days. I came back home. There
were so many people. I saw my mom giving me a smile as she saw me. I felt like
holding her and crying but I didn’t. I didn’t want to make her cry. They had
kept dad in the hospital so that I can see him for the last time. I held his
hand. It was cold. I tried rubbing it thinking it would get warm and he will be
alive again but it didn’t get warm. For the first time in life I saw my mom
crying that day. I didn’t cry much only because I didn’t want my mom to get
sad. Dad was taken to the “namghar”, club and the college. I went everywhere
because these three places were my dads second home. Those 13 days of rituals I
didn’t feel like getting up from bed because I felt life lost its meaning. But
the day would start with guest and end with guests and we three did not get
time to be sad.
I returned back to college the next day rituals ended to
complete my awaiting assignments, presentations, formalities. I thought I would
be that strong girl at home and would face everything. I was facing everything
but not strongly. I was breaking down at every point. After all submissions I
thought it would be better but no its not better. I am missing him so much. A
friend asked me not to cry so much because dad didn’t like whenever I was sad.
He would get me a chocolate and now since he cannot get me one I should not
make him feel helpless by being sad. But is he seeing me to feel helpless?
There are so many questions in my mind. I just want him back. Let it be only me
who can see him but I want him back. I tried to be normal but nothing is normal
without him. I still cannot believe how in a month someone so healthy can die.
I still cannot believe my dad died.
